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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244353">after october</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimson_dusk/pseuds/crimson_dusk'>crimson_dusk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, RPF, The rest are minor characters - Freeform, don't say i didn't warn yeah, no mention of ketchup and mustard however, some mentions of shownu's ex, this is mainly showki, yes this takes place after the cursed october 2019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:35:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244353</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimson_dusk/pseuds/crimson_dusk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Wonho's departure from Monsta X, the other members struggled to hold on and keep it together. Fresh from grief, Kihyun found Shownu alone and vulnerable, forcing him to confront his own feelings about his leader. </p><p> </p><p>  <i>No matter how much the fans teased them—Kihyun the Eomma to Shownu's Appa—he would never be more than just a brother to Shownu.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>after october</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is all fiction. Well okay, the real-life events that happened in October 2019 of course happened but this is a fictional interpretation of those events. If you are not comfortable with RPF, PLEASE DO NOT READ. If you are not comfortable reading anything to do with Wonho or Shownu's scandal, PLEASE DO NOT READ. Honestly, it took a long time for me to finish this fic because I'm just not sure how other mbbs are going to take it. I'm not sensationalising what happened. For me, I needed the closure. I needed something to make sense of what happened because everything had felt so raw, sudden and unfinished.  I avoided any mention of mustard and ketchup (if you know what I mean) in this fic because that still hurts but Shownu's ex does get mentioned from time to time. With that said, yes, there is a happy ending to this story. I hope this fic brings some comfort to you as it did to me. Stay strong, monbebes (and wenees!).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kihyun switched off the lights of the tiny practice room, sighing as he walked away. His body felt tired but it was an unfamiliar kind of fatigue. Comebacks have always been draining but this was different. It was the kind of tired that lingers even when he is in bed asleep and continues again after he wakes. The kind of tired that seemingly has no end because there was no way to fix it. There was no way to fix it because there wasn't a way to fix them.</p><p>
  <em>Wonho has left Monsta X.</em>
</p><p>Kihyun was grateful for this quiet moment. As much as he held on to his brothers for strength for the past few weeks of absolute comeback hell, he needed a break. A break from the unrelenting press—more chaotic and venomous than usual. A break from the demands of fans—them simultaneously begging for comfort while taking turns trying to comfort him and the rest. It was as though they were trapped in a burning building—Monsta X and Monbebes both the victims and firefighters at the same time. Burning up while trying to salvage whatever was left of this era. Kihyun knew there was nothing he could offer to Monbebes that could make things better: not the brief messages nor the barrage of selfies on fancafe. He had hope and visions for this comeback, but no award could replace the pain of their new reality.</p><p>
  <em>We are now six.</em>
</p><p>Kihyun headed to the elevator, already messaging Minhyuk to see if he wanted any midnight snacks when he heard a faint sound nearby. It was an unmistakable tune, mainly because he had been dancing to the same song for months now. Somebody was dancing to <em>Follow</em>.</p><p>"Who could that be? A rookie?" Kihyun wondered. He was sure he was the only member left.</p><p>His curiosity led him to a secluded dance studio at the end of a darkened hallway. He peered through the door's glass window and let out a tiny gasp. It was Shownu.</p><p>Shownu was down to a white singlet and jogger pants, his tanned skin gleaming with sweat. He looked like he had been dancing for hours yet he didn't miss a single beat. His movements were smooth yet strong. He was mesmerising. No, Shownu was perfect. But that was the problem—his dancing had always been perfect, even now when everything felt like it was falling apart. Shownu was the best dancer out of all of them. Even when the rest began to falter and slow down, sometimes even during live performances, Shownu effortlessly held on. Even when the stage lights finally dimmed and Kihyun would just flop to the ground, his body screaming with ache, Shownu would still be standing tall. He was their leader, after all.</p><p>But there he was, working hard as though he's a rookie desperate to debut.</p><p>That was it—he was desperate, Kihyun thought bitterly.</p><p>Wonho wasn't the only victim. Shownu was a target, too.</p><p>Before they could even grasp Wonho's metastasizing scandal, Shownu's rumours began to start. Cruel and untrue, complete with fake nude photos. The other guys didn't know what to do. They all usually look to the hyungs for guidance and yet, it was Wonho and Shownu who needed help the most. Each one of them had private lives that could be twisted into something that could end careers, their dreams, in an instant. Minhyuk, who had a brief brush of the wrath against Wonho, was inconsolable and cried himself to sleep in Changkyun's arms for days.</p><p>Kihyun remembered her. The ex. It was said that her new husband was the source of all the chaos but Kihyun didn't want to excuse her, no matter what Shownu said about her. Maybe it was jealousy—Kihyun remembered how Shownu was like with her. The guys never met the ex, only seen her in pictures Shownu showed them. Cute couple selfies, taken during secret rendezvous, nothing as vulgar as the internet wanted to believe. Kihyun recalled how happy his hyung was, that a single message could bring out a smile that Kihyun had never seen before. There was a spring to his step, a quiet glee in all his words. A man so openly smitten with his secret. Like the rest, Kihyun congratulated and teased Shownu to no end but there was a twinge of sadness for him every time. No matter how much the fans teased them—Kihyun the Eomma to Shownu's Appa—he would never be more than just a brother to Shownu.</p><p>And Kihyun was fine with that—told himself that he should be fine with that—because all he cared about was Shownu's happiness. But that was months ago when the future only seemed bright and welcoming with possibilities.</p><p>Kihyun stood outside of the door, holding his breath. He wanted to go in and tell the other man to stop—maybe even pull him into his arms, keep him safe—but he felt as though he was intruding a private moment. Different people grieved differently. Who was he to judge? Shownu was dealing with his own personal problems in his own personal way. Didn't he decide to squirrel away in the tiny practice room so he could have his own alone time? Kihyun nodded to himself and stepped away when he suddenly heard an ugly cry from the inside of the studio.</p><p>Kihyun rushed back to the door only to see his leader crouching on the floor, cradling an arm and groaning in pain.</p><p>"Shownu-hyung!"</p><p>Their eyes met. Both of them were breathing hard: Shownu, from the physical exercise, and Kihyun, from his racing heartbeat. Kihyun didn't even realise he had kicked the door open like he was some kind of k-drama hero, channelling Park Bo Gum. They stared at each other for what seemed to be a lifetime.</p><p>"Kihyun?" blurted Shownu, sporting his signature confused pout.</p><p>Hearing his name, Kihyun sprang into action. He rushed to his hyung's side, helping him up while babbling non-stop: "Are you okay? Can you stand? Does it hurt? Let me see–"</p><p>"No, no, Ki, I'm okay," said Shownu, looking embarrassed from the attention. He flexed his arm with ease. "See? I slipped and landed weird, that's all."</p><p>"Oh. Are you sure? Because I can …"</p><p>The words died in his mouth. Seeing him up-close, Kihyun knew Shownu was lying: he was not okay at all. Shownu had always been lean but never skinny. Yet, the man looking at Kihyun now was positively gaunt—his usual full cheeks had disappeared, giving a harsh outline of his cheekbones and jaw. His eyes were almost protruding while his neck seemed frail. His body frame looked almost like Kihyun's when he first debuted years ago. They all were so busy trying to keep it together for this comeback that they didn't realise that one of them was physically ebbing away.</p><p>No, one of them did realise, Kihyun recalled. During a quiet late-night van ride where the rest had gone to sleep, Jooheon turned to him with a voice lower than a whisper: "I'm worried. I'm worried about Appa".</p><p>Kihyun felt like he was seeing his hyung for the first time.</p><p>"I said I'm okay, Kihyun."</p><p>The softness had gone from Shownu's eyes. As though reading his mind, Shownu avoided Kihyun's inquisitive gaze, walking away. Kihyun felt angry suddenly. Shownu had nothing to feel ashamed about, it wasn't his fault. Everything that happened to them these past few weeks wasn't any of their faults. Yet Kihyun didn't know who to direct this rage to apart from the man in front of him.</p><p>"You're not okay. You're far from okay. I wish you could see that."</p><p>Shownu kept his eyes on the laptop in the studio, already about to restart the song again, but his shoulders slumped at Kihyun's words. "And what? You think you know better?"</p><p>"Yes! Damn right, I know!" The words were spilling out of his mouth faster than he could think. "What are you doing rehearsing in the middle of the night? You could dance to this song in your sleep! You need more rest. We all do."</p><p>Shownu turned to him, his face showing silent defiance. "Then, go. Rest. Tell the others I'm coming back late."</p><p>Kihyun grit his teeth as he balled up his fists. There were many things he wanted to say but nothing felt right. Wonho would know how to get through to him, Kihyun thought bitterly. He would know just the right words to say without any of Kihyun's impatience. Heck, even Hyungwon could've reasoned with him right now. But there was something that Kihyun had that was unmatched by the others: his boneheaded need to be right.</p><p>Kihyun began stripping out of his jacket and chucked it to the floor along with his backpack.</p><p>"Um, what are you doing?" said Shownu, dumbfounded.</p><p>"What does it look like?" said Kihyun as he got into position. "Start the song, hyung."</p><p>Kihyun bit the urge to smirk as Shownu sighed and stomped into place. But there was little time to gloat. The moment the music started, their bodies began moving purely out of instinct. <em>Follow</em> has a difficult choreography: it's a high-energy song with complex footwork and hand movements. But Kihyun was right—they both could dance to this song in their sleep. Even without the other members, they both danced perfectly to beat, jumping and switching into various positions with no qualms. Whether they were six, or seven, he knew they were in sync throughout. Still, Kihyun couldn't ignore the exhaustion that was building up in his body. He was glad when the song finally ended.</p><p>"So, are you done?" asked Shownu, blinking back the sweat pouring down his face.</p><p>"Are you?" asked Kihyun, without missing a beat through his laboured breathing.</p><p>"I can do this all night."</p><p>It was Kihyun's turn to sigh and stomp into place as the song began again. Soon, Kihyun lost count the number of times they stopped and restarted the song. His movements began to falter, missing beats and losing his initial confidence. Shownu, on the other hand, was perfect throughout.</p><p>"Kihyun! Faster, faster! Swing those arms!"</p><p>Kihyun punched the air with a little more zest, imagining it was Shownu's stomach instead.</p><p>"I'M DOING IT."</p><p>Kihyun could practically hear the laughter in Shownu's words. He didn't know why he was trying to beat Shownu at his own game. It was like <em>No Mercy</em> all over again.</p><p>"Wait, stop! Kihyun-ah, you missed your cue!"</p><p>"What?" gasped Kihyun, doubling over as he heaved big gulps of air into his burning lungs. He was grateful for the pause but affronted at Shownu's accusation. He was as graceful as a drunk elephant, sure, but missing cues? Not Yoo Kihyun. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>"You missed your cue. We need to start again from the top."</p><p>Kihyun watched aghast as Shownu tinkered with the laptop, restarting the song again.</p><p>"No way! I did not miss my cue!"</p><p>"Kihyun, you messed up your part. If we are going to practice, we are doing this right."</p><p>Kihyun could feel his rage bubbling again. It didn't help that every part of his body was sore and aching. It was unfair of Shownu to punish him when all he did was trying to do be there for him.</p><p>"Stop this! You're going to kill us both if you continue like this. We both know I did not miss my cue!"</p><p>"Kihyun, you've done this song a million times by now. How could you even miss–"</p><p>"No, it's not! My cue is right after Wonho-hyung!"</p><p>It felt like a punch to the gut. The minute the words came out of his mouth, Kihyun gasped in shock. He stared at Shownu and knew he felt the same way, too. Somehow, in the fog of fatigue, his mind and body had reverted to the original choreography. Back when Wonho was the centre—when they were seven.</p><p>Suddenly, their stark reality felt heavy on him. Kihyun's knees buckled as he slid down to the floor, laying back in defeat. He was so, so tired. Kihyun desperately pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, trying to stop the tears forming there. Apart from his stifled sobs, silence reigned in the studio.</p><p>Then, he felt a soft pat on his arm. "Kihyun, you did well. You worked too hard. Go home."</p><p>Kihyun braved a peek at his hyung. Seeing Shownu's soft eyes gleaming with concern only brought fresh tears down his face.</p><p>"Not – without – you." Kihyun couldn't stop himself from whimpering. He felt pathetic now. It was all wrong—he was supposed to be the one comforting Shownu. Why did he think he could save Shownu when he could barely save himself?</p><p>Shownu only sighed at the response and instead, he laid next to the other man. They stayed there together quietly until every tear was wrung out of Kihyun. Finally, Shownu spoke:</p><p>"I can't go home … I don't want to."</p><p>Kihyun turned to his side, facing the other man. "Why?"</p><p>"Because everywhere I look, I see … him. I see us. And I can't … I just can't."</p><p>Kihyun understood what he meant. For weeks, Wonho's bedroom remained empty even though six other men lived in the dorm and they were sharing bedrooms. It was as though none of them was ready to accept that Wonho was no longer a permanent fixture in their lives. It didn't mean that none of them hasn't entered it, however. Kihyun himself had gone in and sat on the bare mattress of the bed, desperately trying to reimagine the room filled with Wonho's belongings. His warm laughter, his soft voice. There were times where Kihyun would pass by Wonho's door and hear quiet sobs within. Different people grieved differently.</p><p>"That's why I have to practice harder, don't you see?" said Shownu, firmly. "I'm still the leader. I must pave the way for us to move forward. We need to move on … <em>I</em> need to move on."</p><p>Shownu's words echoed what their CEO had said back in October. Kihyun remembered the sombre atmosphere in the boardroom, the sheer disbelief of what was happening. He remembered the silent tears slipping down Jooheon's face, Hyungwon's angry futile protests.</p><p>
  <em>The comeback will go on! We will not give Monsta X's enemies any more ammo and cause more damage. You all can do it. You must do it. Monsta X will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. </em>
</p><p>What Kihyun wanted to know was how could they rise from the ashes when the ashes were the promises and memories they've made together as seven? How could they leave it all behind?</p><p>Kihyun reached out and placed his hand on Shownu's chest, feeling the man's steady heartbeat.</p><p>"You don't have to do it alone, hyung."</p><p>He was greeted with silence. Shownu grabbed Kihyun's hand but kept his gaze to the studio's ceiling. Kihyun realised then that the man was avoiding his eyes.</p><p>"No, I have to … I messed up. I need to fix it."</p><p>Kihyun propped himself up on his elbow, concerned.</p><p>"Shownu, it wasn't your fau–"</p><p>Shownu's slammed his fist hard against the floor, startling Kihyun.</p><p>"YES, IT WAS," Shownu's entire body was trembling now. "It was MY fault; I did a stupid mistake. I should have never—it was selfish of me. I put my interests above the group."</p><p>The ex. The headlines of gossip sites pass Kihyun's mind now. Shownu the homewrecker. Shownu who slept with another man's wife. He remembered the photoshopped photos, the truth mingling with lies. In the world of kpop, the mere fact that an idol dared to date another person is already considered a scandal, let alone a woman who turned out to be married. It didn't matter that the company came out and had to air Shownu's private life just to end the scandal. The truth didn't matter. They thought it was the end of Monsta X, buried under relentless media fire.</p><p>Then, Wonho left and, with him, the onslaught of rumours died.</p><p>Monsta X survived, but at what cost?</p><p>"I shouldn't have done it, Kihyun. I knew the risks and I did it, anyway," said Shownu, blinking back tears as his voice cracked. "Wonho's mistakes were in the past, he was young, but what was my excuse? How could I—"</p><p>"How could you what? Fall in love? Want a life after this industry?" slammed Kihyun, his voice wobbly with anger. "You can't blame yourself, hyung—you're only human!"</p><p>"No, I'm NOT. I'm an IDOL!" cried Shownu in frustration, tears escaping his eyes now. "And idols don't—they don't fall in love and marry! They don't have kids. They don't … I don't …"</p><p>Kihyun was at a loss for words. He gripped the front of Shownu's shirt, feeling frustrated that he couldn't lessen the man's pain. But Shownu was not done. For the first time that night, he finally looked ragged.</p><p>"Sometimes I wonder … I wonder if it would be better for all of you if I …"</p><p>Alarmed, Kihyun searched Shownu's eyes. "If you what?"</p><p>"If I left the group–"</p><p>If his heart could make a sound, they would hear Kihyun's heartbreak. Kihyun squeezed his eyes shut, the painful memories flooding him again: being abandoned, the loss of a dream, falling apart. The silent image of Wonho's tear-streaked face, begging for forgiveness from each member as he said goodbye.</p><p>"Don't you say that," Kihyun's voice trembled under his breath. "Don't you ever say that! Not you, too."</p><p>"It will happen sooner or later, Ki! Soon enough, I will have to enlist and it will be just the five of you. You all can have a new start again. No scandal, no gossip. The new generation of Monbebes wouldn't know any better."</p><p>Kihyun tried to imagine it—Monsta X without Shownu. Erasing his leader's face from merchandise, videos and photos, just like they did to Wonho. Another empty space in the dorm room. He tried to imagine the rest of the group dealing with the loss of another member—the faces of Hyungwon, Minhyuk, Changkyun and Jooheon emerged in his mind. But mostly, he imagined the emptiness he would feel without seeing Shownu every day. Kihyun <em>needed</em> Shownu—whether it was a comforting glance at him as they prepared to take on the stage or just his quiet presence day by day. Had Kihyun taken it all for granted? That one day, he would search for him in their home only to find a vacant room and an unmade bed? Is this the end all along?</p><p>"Kihyun, you deserve better. You deserve the world."</p><p>As Kihyun stared at Shownu's eyes, he realised how untrue it is. What good was the world when he couldn't share it with the one he loved the most? He cupped Shownu's teary face in his hands, wishing he could tell him how he truly felt.</p><p>"I don't want the world. I want you to stay."</p><p>"Kihyun–"</p><p>"Shut up! Please, hyung, just … shut up," Kihyun trembled. "You don't know what I deserve. You don't know me at all."</p><p>Shownu gaped, shocked at the other's words. "Ki, I'm sorry-"</p><p>Kihyun was done with apologies.</p><p>He was done with the never-ending kowtowing to impossible expectations. Kihyun was never a lyricist, he was never good with words, unlike Wonho, Jooheon or Changkyun. He was a vocalist, a bona fide performer, and when he's on stage, he could embody a song so well that he could pluck anyone's heartstring. But without the music, Kihyun felt muted. So, he was done with words, done with trying to convince Shownu. He decided to show instead.</p><p>Kihyun closed his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed Shownu.</p><p>Kihyun knew it. He had always suspected that Shownu would have the softest lips yet he never thought he would ever find it out for himself. He was kissing Shownu. He was kissing his leader! He had never even said a word about his feelings for the man for the past four years yet here he was, stealing the breath right out of him. Kihyun realised it now that he was being selfish, that he wanted this one last shot at a chance of happiness even if it was insane. Even if it meant possibly destroying their relationship for the past few years. Kihyun had always been in awe with Shownu—he would never admit it back in <em>No Mercy</em>—but in recent years, he knew that it had transformed into something else. Kihyun was devastatingly and hopelessly in love with Shownu.</p><p>Then, Kihyun realised something else—that he was being <em>kissed back</em>.</p><p>Kihyun thought his heart was going to leap out of his ribcage. He could feel Shownu's hands slithering underneath his shirt, caressing his body and pushing them closer. Shownu leaned up to meet Kihyun's kisses with his own intensity as though this was what he always wanted to do. Kihyun felt as though his mind was melting. Is this really happening? Had they always wanted to do this or were they both looking for an outlet from all the pain? Did Shownu want him too?</p><p>Kihyun broke off the kiss. They both stared at each other with laboured breathing, faces pink. Suddenly, he was enveloped with doubt and fear.</p><p>"Please," choked Kihyun. "Please don't leave."</p><p>It was Shownu's turn to surprise him. With one smooth motion, fitting for an experienced dancer, Shownu rolled them both over. Shownu was silent at first as he hovered above Kihyun, his expression unreadable. Kihyun waited nervously for his hyung's next move, his heart racing fast. Then slowly, Shownu leaned close and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. Then, the other cheek. Then, Kihyun's forehead. Shownu was leaving delicate kisses on Kihyun's entire face as though he was savouring a gift. Kihyun could feel his body shaking: from joy, relief and sheer disbelief. Typical—even now, it was Shownu who was saving him instead. Shownu mumbled softly between his kisses: "Never, never leaving you".</p><p>Finally, Shownu found Kihyun's lips again and they both sighed into the kiss that had been long held back. Holding onto each other like they were the last lifeline in the middle of a raging storm …</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>When Shownu and Kihyun finally left the Starship building, the late-night was slipping into the early morning before dawn. They hid their mussed hair underneath their caps, zipped up any evidence of their steamy rendezvous and covered their flushed faces with black facemasks. Just two bros out and about. But every time they caught each other's glances, they couldn't help to burst out in shy giggles. Kihyun knew Shownu's eyes enough to know he was grinning from ear to ear underneath his facemask.</p><p>Kihyun himself didn't know what had just happened. Is this a dream? Had he danced to <em>Follow</em> to the point of hallucination? He walked into the cold dead streets with bleary eyes as though seeing the world for the first time. And there was Shownu, beautiful and strong, waiting patiently for him ahead, underneath the yellow light of a lamppost.</p><p>"Are you okay?" asked Shownu, his voice revealing a touch of amusement.</p><p>"Yeah, I'm just-" Kihyun paused when Shownu's hand slipped into his, fingers interlocked.</p><p>"Your hand … It's cold. I don't want you to … be cold," offered Shownu lamely.</p><p>"Yes … thank you, hyung," replied Kihyun in kind, glad that the facemask was hiding his blushing face.</p><p>They walked together hand in hand, revelling in the newness of their situation when suddenly Kihyun received a text message. An angry one from none other than Lee Minhyuk: "YOU BASTARD WHERE'S MY FOOD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU HOURS AGO WHERE IS IT".</p><p>Kihyun had forgotten the text message he sent to Minhyuk earlier. It felt like a million years ago. Back when the world was an infinitely darker and lonelier place. A place where Kihyun no longer needed to return to, he thought, as he squeezed Shownu's warm hand. Shownu turned to him, his eyes questioning. Kihyun was tempted to close the distance between them again, lowering their face masks and tasting those soft lips, when his phone buzzed. An angry call this time.</p><p>"YOO KIHYUN, IF YOU DON'T COME HOME RIGHT NOW-"</p><p>"Hyung, we need to do some shopping."</p><p>As they both entered a GS convenient store, Kihyun noticed how they automatically fell into their roles of Appa and Eomma of Monsta X. Shownu went to the cold food section, picking out the fillings for the promised ramen that Minhyuk has been waiting for while Kihyun grabbed a basket with a mental grocery checklist. Minutes later, Kihyun found him staring at two different packs of sausages, his facemask down to reveal a pouty confused Shownu.</p><p>"Shownu-hyung, we should go."</p><p>"Okay, okay but which one?" Shownu held up the sausages as adorably as a 27-year-old could.</p><p>It was a ridiculous thing to ask, especially for a grown man, but Kihyun knew he was at fault here. Kihyun was notorious for keeping all of them under a tight budget, not to spend too much on food, not that the guys ever listened to him anyway. But under the stark light of the convenience store, Kihyun was once again reminded of Shownu's startling change—the sharp cut of his jaw and his hollow cheeks. He pressed his lips together, grabbed the two packs and dumped them both in the basket.</p><p>"Why not both? In fact, why not more? Anything else you want?"</p><p>Shownu's eyebrows shot up, surprised and almost giddy at Kihyun's indulgence. "You sure?"</p><p>As they both left the convenience store, Kihyun couldn't help staring at Shownu. The grocery run had brought out the talkative side of Shownu. His eyes were practically sparkling with joy at the thought of eating. Kihyun should've known that food has always been his hyung's weakness. The whole night may have turned out differently if Kihyun had simply invited Shownu to dinner instead of trying to start a dance-off with the main dancer of the group but Kihyun would not have it any other way. As Kihyun marvelled at Shownu's playful chatter, he wondered when was the last time he had seen him in this mood. Perhaps this was how they were going to heal — all of them including Wonho. Not through some earth-shattering breaking news but small steps towards the right direction. Impromptu late dinner with the guys. A carefree stroll after midnight. Stolen kisses in the dance studio.</p><p>Years ago, Kihyun knew that he had signed away his right to a normal civilian life when he debuted with Monsta X. He didn't care then — after all, isn't being a world-renowned kpop idol the ultimate dream? Later, Kihyun would learn how wrong he was, that just because he could fulfil this one desire, doesn't mean he wouldn't have more. But perhaps, he could have one more fulfilled desire as well.</p><p>"Kihyun-ah?" Shownu's warm voice brought him back to the present.</p><p>Kihyun blushed. "Sorry. I just … I miss seeing you like this."</p><p>"Like what?"</p><p>Looking up to his soft brown eyes, Kihyun couldn't resist. As Kihyun pulled the man closer, their grocery bags crashed to the floor, forgotten. With only the moon as their only witness, they kissed again in the darkened street with Kihyun's arms around his lover. Kihyun could feel the smile on Shownu's lips. Kihyun wanted to say that he missed seeing his hyung happy but that was not all. He recognised the last time he had seen Shownu in that way.</p><p>Shownu looked like a man who was smitten with his secret.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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